Kang's Black Belt Academy
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Monday, October 10, 2011 Emotional Vampires—Five Common Types and How to Slay Them Halloween is a good
time to look at the emotional vampires that, at times, we all come across. Dr. Judith Orloff answers some common questions
you may have.What is an emotional vampire?The biggest source of energy drain I see in my patients is their relationships.
8:21 am edt Emotional vampires are people who can drain your energy and suck you dry. They are the people who make your mood take a nosedive, who you feel sick or tired around - you may even want to binge on comfort foods. Basically, it’s a person who changes your mood for the worse just by being around them.What’s the most common types of emotional vampire out there?There are five types:· Narcissistic· Victim· Controller· Constant Talker· Drama QueenI would say that the “Victim” is the most common. That’s the friend who keeps you on the phone for two hours complaining about everything, but they never seem to do anything about how miserable they are. You start avoiding their phone calls after a bit because they are exhausting and you feel like there’s nothing you can say about it.What can we do about the feeling that we can’t do anything about an emotional vampire? Why are we too afraid of being seen as impolite?A lot of people don’t speak up for themselves because they are afraid of offending someone or being impolite. I wrote the book Emotional Freedom to give people strategies of how to deal with situations like this. It’s a skill that people are not taught, but my hope is that you can learn a few simple tools, you can deal with emotional vampires in a loving and sensitive way. Do you have any
tips of how we can exhausted, do not marry this person.Other than that, I ask people to sit down and think of their top five buttons. The top five things that set them off. Things like guilt trips, petty criticisms, anger — everyone has buttons, and emotional vampires happen to be able to see these buttons more than other people, and they will push them. Once you know what sets you off, it can help you take the emotionality out of dealing with them, because that’s key. It may take a while for you to be calm enough to respond, but at least you’ll know when to go and calm yourself.Once you have your head in the right place, what can you do?I call it the “Warrior’s Way” of dealing with people who want to push your buttons. Your tone of voice is critical — you have to talk to an emotional vampire in a very matter-of-fact-way or compassionate manner, rather than trying to deal with them the way they are talking to you. You don’t want to turn them off, because you have a goal. If you take the bait and get emotional, then nothing will change.I recommend techniques like limit setting — for instance, calmly telling a person who criticizes you that they hurt your feelings and you’d appreciate it if they didn’t do it again. Get in and get out quickly, with a smile. You do not want a dialogue. For a boss who is narcissistic, frame the things you want in terms of what they’re going to get out of it. company” will get results faster than “I’m exhausted and I need time off”. For a drama queen coworker — by the way, never ask a drama queen how they are doing! — I recommend using “not interested” body language. Turning away from them, crossing your arms, and calmly explaining that you have work to do. It takes practice, but it’s definitely worth it. Dr. Judith Orloff, is an Assistant ClinicalProfessor of Psychiatry at UCLA. Her book Emotional Freedom will give you more insight to emotional vampires. She can be reached at: drjudithorloff.com. |
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